INTRODUCTION to my FIRST attempt…
She’s hidden in the lines. I questioned my defeat that day. What I did wrong, which turn was incorrect, why I didn’t solve each problem accurately. The purpose of a mistake is to learn and grow from it. I’m not a plant though- you can water me all you’d like, nothing good will come of it. I don’t like objection, I don’t like mistakes, especially learning from them. My inability to cope has taken me here, and all the while I thought I was strong and sensible.
I realized today, I was far from it.
Change, it’s inevitable and horrifying, if you let it take over. I’m going to grab change by the balls and scream, “do you like that?!” into it’s ear. My suffering and depression- shown throughout this ‘book’ was proof of my inability to deal with change. I’m done fighting people for their idiotic mistakes, because I have to work around mine. I am the only one that can pull myself out of the hole of ignorance.
My depression so to speak was derived from many different things. My family, my lack to succeed in running and school, my inability to cope with my brother’s aggression, my sexual struggle, and finally the boy that made me collapse 10fold on the floor of hatred. That was the last straw for me. That put me into a place I never thought I’d go to. I was slowly slipping, the fights and arguments took me there. The break up pulled the last Popsicle stick from my bridge of my reality. I fell through the cracks of sanity, if only for a moment.
I had never felt so alone. I loved that boy with every ounce of my heart. My heart shattered and then I realized… I don’t need that piece of shit heart anyways. I saw him change, too. Once upon a time he was everything I wanted. He was the cutest boy I’d ever seen, and funny, and talented, and understanding, smart, and almost flawless. But since I got on the plane, he was no longer him. He was trashy and vile, hateful and deceitful, manipulative and forgetful, and he didn’t care about himself anymore. He became trash in my eyes, and sometimes when see him now, he’s sinks lower in my mind. The love I had, is gone. Not dead, I don’t think. But right now, it’s gone. Because; he’s gone. We lost each other. He lost me, he lost himself (only to realize he found himself), and in turn, I lost… well, the love.
This may have all come from him. This new thought, this new me, may be his fault. My world was based so much around him and ‘us’ that it took a huge toll on my thoughts. He saved me once, and then he ‘killed’ me. He lingers on these pages, because he lingers in my heart… the broken one. Everybody I love lingers.
Years ago I lost my family. Months ago I lost him. And somewhere in the mix, I found myself struggling to stand. And right before I drown in my own self-pity… I found the side of the pool.
The things I hope you all come to understand…
Bea, when the focus of love is on what WE can get…it can make life hard. When the focus of life is on what we can do to show love to others…rather than how much love we’re getting, life becomes easier. Then miracles begin to happen.
When you want to hate someone for what they did to you, feel sorry for them. They are thinking of self. They do so often to get attention because they didn’t get it anywhere else. They are worse off than you are if they degrade you. Really. They are.
When someone shows hate to you or lack of concern, this too is their lack of compassion and love. Give them something rather than hate back. Don’t ever beg. Don’t ever NEED someone SO badly, you create a monster of depression for yourself.
And whatever you do…realize you’re number one on God’s list. But you won’t know this if you don’t take the time to stop and not ask him for things…but listen for his guidance. To receive it, you can’t retain hate, resentment, bitterness. You gotta let go and take life as it comes. Forget the past Bea. It’s all over, you can’t change the past. Right? If someone is in love, let them go and if they come back to you, it was meant to be. If not, move on. In time, you’ll find the one who WILL come back to you. Now THAT person is the one to begin to think about. Cause if he’s not here now, he’ll be there later.
Most of all, have faith. Think positively. Don’t focus on the negatives. You’re better than to waste your time with such things. Aren’t you? I know I am. And I let things pass me right on by. Tomorrow is a new day. We create our own monsters. We also create our own future. We either can live life, hate it or love it. I choose to love it and seek out my goals. Love my wife every day as if I could be gone tomorrow because I could be. And by that…I am thankful I have this day to enjoy time with her…and my kids. I don’t like my job Bea, but when I leave it, I leave it behind. And my focus isn’t on my job, it’s on what I have plans for my future. And I never give up hope. I keep striving for something better the next day. I keep invisioning a great future. Right now it’s good. But later it will be great. I know this and I think it daily. We are what WE think WE are. If we hate others, we hate ourselves. If we hate life, we hate ourselves and are bitter to others. Don’t be like these types.
You are better than that. Let the past be the past. Live for today and tomorrow. Who knows…something new and great might be just right around the corner and you might not even know it. Someone else greater may be waiting to come into your life and you might not even know it. I am a firm believer that who we meet and all we do is NOT conicidence. Nor…all that we hear and learn or get from others. It all happens for a reason. And I believe too…it is all planned by someone greater than us. God. He’s watching ya Bea. Don’t let yourself down but most of all…don’t let Him down.
Storm
Posted 2 years, 10 months ago